Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
More like Kate Missington.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.